A Mission NOT So Impossible

Happy Tuesday Everyone!

Well last week was quite the emotional week for our lil family.  It's funny because PSG (pre SG) I was not very emotional.  Now it seems I get weepy at the drop of a hat...or Subaru commercial (you know the one of the daddy dropping his daughter off for the first day of school?)--don't worry, if you don't know what I am talking about I included a link below (red and bolded above picture).  Yes, it is true; for those of you who have heard motherhood makes even the hardest hearts soft.  But I digress.

 

Subaru Commercial-First Day of School (get the tissue out)

 

So last week was a bit emotional for us, and by us I mean me because we have recently been challenged with making a fairly large decision as a family (you will have to excuse the lack of pictures but after you read this you will understand why).  Last year Husband and I made a commitment to grow in our faith more.  We attend church regularly and joined and graduated from a Newlywed Bible Study class but we knew there was more we could do.  We both agreed that we wanted to go on a mission trip one day.  Now for those of you who know my husband you know he is an overachiever (that's putting it lightly---he was the #1 rep at his entire company at the mere age of 24, only 2 years after working there---yes I am bragging about him here because I am in such awe of his drive and achievement) and he decided that he wanted us to try for our first mission trip this year.  I was strictly opposed to this because of SG. We already had a ski trip planned and a wedding planned, both of which would require us to go without her.  Something else many of you know is that my husband does not give up.  He really felt a calling in his heart that we were supposed to go on a trip this year.  As you can imagine this caused some friction between us.  At first it was non-negotiable for me.  I said no that we needed to keep all remaining trips local.  I told Husband that when we did finally decide to go on one that I wanted it to be to a Latin American country where I could use my Spanish (I wouldn't say I am fluent but I understand all and can read and write it and speak enough to get by pretty well).  Then a missions conference was held at our church.  We both decided to attend under the agreement that we would plan to go on a trip in 2014.  After the conference both of us were excited but once again Husband brought up going this year.  In my heart I knew he was right.  Something kept telling me that.  I just did NOT want to leave SG.  Then one day I received a call from our missions pastor at church.  It was a random call from a number I didn't recognize and I didn't bother checking my voicemail for a few days.  Once I finally checked it I made Daniel return the call (nice of me huh?).  Our church was looking for volunteers to go on trips.  I told Daniel it just wasn't the right time.  But again, my husband is a convicted man and decided to attend a missions meeting.  When he came home he explained that volunteers were needed for Guatemala.  Hmm...that was strange, that was the only trip on the list I told Daniel I would consider attending...NEXT year.  Daniel asked me what I thought we should do and I pushed the subject aside...I was NOT going to leave SG.

Fast forward a few days and sleepless nights.  I am not sure why but for some reason I felt an overwhelming amount of anxiety over the next few days.  I could not sleep and the trip kept creeping into my thoughts.  I convinced myself that if we were meant to go then I would have warm fuzzies about it.  I never got them.  I started dealing with lots of emotions.  If Daniel went I would feel guilty and almost jealous. If I went I would miss my baby more than life itself.  If we both went I wouldn't want to leave SG alone again.  No, no the answer was wait another year...but that just did not sit well with me.  We were told to pray about it but for some reason I never really did. Looking back I didn't pray about it because I was scared of the answer God would give me.  Then last week while at work Husband sends me an email from church telling me we had been selected for the trip.  Wait, what?!  What just happened?  I hadn't even signed up!  Immediately I was sick to my stomach and upset, tears welling up in my eyes.  Husband told me he wanted to talk about it when he got home.  Ick, I didn't want to talk about it.  Why not try to avoid the elephant in the room?  Husband NEVER let's me avoid the elephant in the room--God bless him for that!  Then FINALLY, as I was rocking SG to sleep I began to pray.  Again tears streamed down my face and my heart ached.  I knew what I needed to do.

 

After a long, very emotional conversation Husband and I decided that I was being called to go on this particular mission trip.  We were going to Central America and Spanish speakers were a plus.  I also knew I needed to go because of other reasons.  You see I am a very giving person but I am also a very selfish person...not so much selfish with "things" but selfish with time.  I imagine it's because I have been on my own since about 15 and never really had the "normal" college experience like so many because I was working full-time just to support myself through college.  I think I am also selfish with my time because as a teenager I had to share a room with my little sister giving me very little privacy.  I also spent time in two relationships where I didn't really have a lot of independence and so now that I am older I truly value my "me time" or alone time.  That said, I have come to realize that there are times when I am very willing to help others...but on my clock.  I also realize that isn't truly a giving heart.  In church we learn that giving sometimes means sacrifice, that if it doesn't hurt a little than it really isn't a sacrifice.  There have been moments where God has presented an opportunity for me to help someone and I am too selfish of my time and decide against it.  My heart, and God were telling me that I needed to sacrifice this time.  I pray every night that God would make me a strong and positive living example to my daughter of what it truly means to follow His way.  Sometimes it isn't easy.  But the Bible never said that following God is always easy...just look at the apostles.  I also pray every night that Sofia Grace grow up always choosing God first, even over us (this is a hard thing to ask for when you are a mommy).  So I knew this was it, this was my opportunity to answer my own prayer and be an example to my daughter.  I needed to choose God over my daughter.

 

Now many of you may be sitting here reading this in complete astonishment, disagreeing with my choice.  I totally understand because honestly I might be the same had I not gone through all the emotion I went through this last week.  I would think, "what a selfish mother to go on a trip and leave her daughter for a week," had I not read so much scripture about giving and the true meaning of giving, following and sacrifice.  But then I think of God and how he chose US over his son so that we would be forgiven.  So if you disagree I am compassionate to that.  But I know in my heart of hearts this is my calling.  I pray that one day when Sofia Grace is older and faced with a tough decision between following everyone else and following God she will look back on this moment and realize that her mother chose God and that is the path she must follow.  I pray that I am a strong example to her, that she would have a stronger heart and more conviction than I and that she would understand why I chose this.  I pray that she will look back and be proud of me and fully understand why I made this decision and know that it does not mean I love her less, in fact it means I love her more than she will ever know.

 

And now for the mission.  I will be traveling to Quetzaltengango, Guatemala this summer departing June 29th returning July 6th (an eternity to be away from my family).  I will be traveling alone (meaning without Husband) with 11 other individuals.  Our missions will range from working with orphans (this is sure to break my heart), to helping local pastors with supplies and evangelism to helping ex-convicts to restocking a food pantry and more.  I will be raising money to help fund this mission trip for our church so that we can continue to help others and spread the word. Like I mentioned before I have never been on a mission trip.  I always envisioned that Husband and I would take our first trip together but as God would have it that was not his plan.  I am scared, anxiety ridden and worried---not so much about SG's care but about how much I will miss her.  At the same time I feel a great sense of peace and know that this is my calling.  I know that the time Husband and SG spend together those 7 days are invaluable.  Their bond will continue to grow which makes my heart burst with joy.  I warned Husband that ice cream, cheerios and biscuits cannot be consumed for dinner every night (this is his idea of a balanced diet). I am looking forward to that feeling of discomfort from being away from home and fear of the unknown (this is how we grow the most) and I cannot wait to see the faces of those we have helped.  Many of our friends who have done mission work say it's life changing...that it helps the missionaries more than those they are helping.  I am not sure what is to come or what will be but I do welcome this challenge.  After all, I have God on my side which makes it a mission NOT so impossible.

 

Quetzaltenango, Guatemala

 

For more information on my trip feel free to click HERE.  I will make sure to blog about this journey leading up to, during and after.  Thank you so much for letting me share my journey with you. 

37 He said to him, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. 38 This is the greatest and most important command. -Matthew 22:37-38