Catching Up & the Ugly Truth

Hello Friends!

Wow, I have obviously been pretty busy because I have not posted in almost two months!  That is insanity and I do apologize.  It seems like summer arrived and we became busier than ever. 

So here's a quick recap.  May was absolutely INSANE.  First, my lil brother graduated from college, UT Austin---Hook 'em so we took a road trip to Austin to support him and SG her future campus (burnt orange is in the blood-daddy's alma mater).  SG also learned to crawl and pull-up in May. Then my first official mother's day was amazing.  I felt lots of love from friends and family who wrote me to wish me happiness on that day.  Husband Daddy and SG surprised me with a day at the spa, brunch on the patio of one of my fav restaurants (SG even picked up the bill) and a day together. It was perfect.  Next up we had our very first annual family vacation.  I'm not talking SG and Husband Daddy either.  I am talking BOTH sets of grandparents and us.  Insane, maybe.  Fun, yes!  It was awesome to watch SG bond with her grandparents.  We decided on Memphis, TN since it was a short flight and a place both Husband and I had been wanting to visit.  We ate BBQ, toured Graceland and enjoyed the beautiful landscape of that part of the country.  Next big event was that our pool was FINALLY finished!  You have no idea how relieved I am for this to have been completed! One thing about SG that is such a huge blessing is her love for the outdoors.  The pool couldn't have come soon enough because with the Texas summer came the heat which means no more walks during the day with her nanny (just too hot for the two of them).  Saying that SG loves the water is a HUGE understatement.  She gets excited as soon as we step outside.  We are so blessed to have a kid who enjoys the outdoors as much as we do.  I can't tell you how awesome it is to come home and take SG for a swim everyday!  Next up, I completed my first official wedding photo shoot.  This was something I have been stressing about for some time now but it went off without a hitch and I had the honor of working with an amazing bride and groom.  And last but not least, Father's day.  SG and I woke up and made daddy breakfast and surprised him with a movie I made of he and SG.  I have only seen my husband cry and handful of times in the four years we have been together and that was one of them.  He literally watched the movie over and over again (it's only 3 min long--I included a link below).  Then we took him to one of his favorite restaurants followed by frozen yogurt at Menchie's (if you haven't tried this yet you are seriously missing out---it's amaze) and family swim.  Oh wait and one more super BIG milestone in SG's life...she got her first lil toof (the cutest thing next to baby toes)!  Here are some photos and the video.

Mother's Day 2013--Nuggy picked up the check.

Baby Brother's Graduation-UT Austin 2013 Hook 'em!



Memphis 2013

Happy 1st Father's Day Daddy!!!



Family Vacation 2013

 



That's My Daughter---Father's Day Video

So ok, phew I am out of breath...that was a lot. 

But I also wanted to write today to tell you all that my heart is very heavy.  As you know I will be going on my first mission trip later this month (I leave in exactly 10 1/2 days).  I would be lying if I told you I was bubbling over with excitement and joy.  In fact it is quite the opposite.  I feel ungodly just saying that but I think it's important I be honest.  I promised that I would document and discuss the entire journey and discussing my true feelings is part of that story.  Last night was a bad night for me.  After Husband Daddy watched the video I made him three times in a row we then proceeded to look at all the photos of her on my phone.  This just made me so sad.  I went upstairs to tuck SG in and pray over her like I do every night and all of a sudden I started to cry....no bawl....big fat elephant size tears.  I began to think about leaving her and how much I would miss her.  As I was praying I told God that I just didn't want to go, that I would miss her too much.  What ifs started flooding my mind.  What if she woke up in the middle of the night and I wasn't there to cuddle her (mind you she sleeps through the night...but....what IF)?  What if she fell and hurt herself and I wasn't there to console her?  What if something happened to me and SG didn't have a mommy anymore?  What if something happened to her?  What if, what if, what if.  I scooped SG up and held her tight in my arms and sat with her for a long time in "our" chair.  The tears would not stop.  I told God I was scared to go.  Then Husband came into the room and found us together.  He prayed over us and let us have our time together.  When I felt I had cried enough (and when my sweets started to wake) I put her back.  DJ looked at me once and the tears started again except this time I was semi-hysterical.  All those times my mom told me I would never realize how much she loved me until I had my own child came back to me.  Loving SG is the  most amazing thing I have ever felt and you truly cannot describe it in words.  Until you are a parent that love doesn't exist and once it does it brings a whole new meaning to love.  I sobbed and cried, you know the ugly cry---boogers, snot, hiccups--and Husband just held me.  Well all that crying must have exhausted me because I fell asleep so hard last night---something I don't usually do. 

So friends, I am sad.  I am anxious.  I am scared.  So many what ifs.  I wish I could tell you I was excited to go.  I wish I could tell you I want to go.  But I can't---that would be a lie.  Instead what I can tell you is that this is one of the biggest tests of my faith.  While texting my mommy group last night (Papar, Lisa, Cassie---God bless you three for helping me through this) they all said the same thing.  Trust God.  You are doing His work and He will provide and protect you.  And they are right.  When has God ever let me down?  I can think of plenty of times others have let me down but never God.  I need to trust in Him and His plan.  I need to remember that I have asked him to use me and he is.  I need to remember that doing the right thing and following Him isn't always the easy thing.  And that's ok, that's what I signed up for.  His sacrifice for us is far greater than any I will ever make.  And so, I will be doing a lot of snuggling with my SG, Husband Daddy and our pup Chloe.  I will spend as much time with my family in the next 10 1/2 days as possible.  Most importantly I will pray, trust and go.